Where I’ve Been, What I’ve Done
- WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?, they asked.
- away from home, i said. - M.L.C
Soooo, *cough, cough* hi there.
It’s been some time….a long time. Still can’t believe that I disappeared for over a year. Originally when I started writing this post, it was only 11 months of me being “missing in action”. Somehow those 11 months turned into a whole year anddd 4 months. With social media it’s been close to 2 years and a half…it’s insane.
The past year and a half has been..interesting. If you read this post 2019: The Year of The Pig, I had set up some goals that I had in mind to accomplish, a couple being to buy a house, publish my first book, purchase my own car, get better with photography and modeling, explore more, take continued education courses, etc, etc.
(A few photos i took throughout 2018-2019..so yeah i did something)
At first I tried, I really did. I signed up for writing classes, began editing the book I wanted to publish, started saving toward a starter home. Then suddenly, it all stopped.
Truth is, I got into a new relationship with a guy who was Muslim, while I as we all know, a Christian. As true believers we know in 2 Corinthians 6:14 it says, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” To put it simply, as Christians we should not have close relationships whether it is romantic, friendly, intimate, etc with those who do not serve the same God as us, or dwell into spiritual things that don’t coincide with what God’s Word stands for. As a result, depending on our faith and connection with Christ, they could either bring us down or leave us standing still.
Being aware of this, and knowing my very Christian mother would not approve of our relationship, I became very distraught. And so, I kept our relationship a secret to everyone in order to find some clarity or a better understanding of how I felt in the relationship. I was aware of those who would disapprove, those who would be thrown off that I a very “good Christian girl” would date someone who wasn’t Christian and those telling me to leave because of the stereotypes that surrounded Muslim men.
fun fact: i knew my boyfriend one year before we finally started dating. we didn’t get together for the same religious reasons.
In the midst of keeping us a secret I slowly lost myself within it. I disabled social media, slowly stopped speaking to friends, threw myself into my job, kept a smile in front of this new lover’s face, and pretended to share laughs with family to maintain an ‘I’m okay’ demeanor. I found myself looking to myself for self validation, advice, understanding and comfort. I spent months seeking God, and wondering where to go without actually depending on Him for guidance. And I wasted a lot of time in doing so.
What bothered me was the fact that I knew what the Word said, but my heart wanted otherwise. I knew, and still know this person wasn’t the man God originally planned for me to be with but was a choice/test of whether I would go into that path. I’ve learned that God always gives us choices, He always shows us two roads to take, and asks which way we will go. He tells us the answer but only we as believers are the ones who take the route out of faith or desire. I chose desire.
When I finally came to terms with my choice, I prayed about it. I brought my thoughts to God, and asked for Him to keep me within this journey, no matter where it will go. I prayed for guidance, for mercy, for protection, for love. And most importantly I prayed for Christ to be the center in our relationship even when my “other half” did not know Jesus as Lord and Savior. Over a year later while celebrating our first anniversary during quarantine, these are still my prayers.
In the midst of the times we’re in now, and the lack of control we no longer have in our lives, God has humbled me to truly understand what, “Be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 46: 10) truly means. Even when the worst storms and disasters are flying above our heads, when our hearts are broken and our minds are scattered, He says, “Be still.” He will never leave us or forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:6) even when we fall short. The most beautiful thing about knowing God, is that even when we fall short, He still loves us. And as long as we go to Him for help, His Word reminds us constantly how He will always be there as long as we ask for Him to stay.
Talk to God, tell Him about your worries, about your concerns. Ask Him for the guidance and wisdom for whatever obstacle you have, or problem you need taken care of. We as people can not do it on our own, and once we stop relying on ourselves for success, and lean on God for strength, He blesses us, even when we make the wrong decisions.
Through it all, I know God still loves me. I may not be perfect, but that’s what makes me aware of my inability to seek answers within myself and how many times I will fail whenever I try to do so.
They asked me, where I’ve been? “Away from home,” was my answer. But, I’m back.